I. Can't. Do. It.
Those four words circle my mind a lot and are usually successful in poisoning any idea or motivation that hits me.
I. Can't. Do. It.
I hear it all the time, those words wrap around and choke me until I surrender. Those four little words over power me often. They have managed to kill any desire inside me. It gets so bad that I try to stomp out any good thought before it can be taken away from me by those four little words.
Those words are ever present in my mind every time I try. Each time I push away that extra helping, each time I give in to that piece of cake. Lately it's been winning and I'm trying to fight it, but I just end up coping with self doubt the only way I know how. Eat.
What is different however is even though I screw up with this eating and intense lack of exercise. I try again. That's something that is completely out of the norm and I'm proud of myself for it. However, I'm not getting anywhere. One step forward, twenty steps back. Discouraging thoughts always seem to plague my mind and...
Those four little words are whispering in the back of my mind even now I as write this. Who will win today I wonder? Hopefully I Can.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Stil Counting the Days
I feel and know that I have been so lax these past couple of days. This life style change of mind seems to be on a longer hold than I'd like. My hubby is now on board with his own quest to lose the weight he wants and shape his body into something else he'd like to. Now to me my hubby always looks great. In my eyes he could almost never look wrong but he's not happy so he's going to change it. I can't WAIT until he succeeds. He'll be happy and I'll be happy for him. It's exciting because with his body you can see the changes he's going through almost instantly it seems.
Not so much the case for myself. I am still decidedly unhappy with my appearance. My goal was 10lbs by July 4th for this big convention we're having BUT I've only managed the 3 lbs and now my scale is once again telling me I'm up in weight. I almost hate that thing. It's never reliable, what if I didn't really lose those three pounds? That's the question I keep asking myself. If I didn't really lose it, then this past month has almost been for nothing. Makes me feel like I want to give up, BUT I'm trying not to give in to my pessimistic attitude.
The hubby went shopping again and soon hopefully I'll have a nice, small job that will allow me to buy the foods necessary for my plans. ANYWAY, it has been so long since I've updated and I really needed to say something about what's been on my mind.
So I'm shouting into cyberspace and hopefully someone will hear (I complain enough to my husband, he needs a break!)
So I want to say to all who might read, to all who might feel like giving up when it comes to your size...don't stop trying. It's hard as heck and you will hate the ride...but try to keep focused on the end of this annoying battle. That's the only thing that's keeping me moving.
Night!
Not so much the case for myself. I am still decidedly unhappy with my appearance. My goal was 10lbs by July 4th for this big convention we're having BUT I've only managed the 3 lbs and now my scale is once again telling me I'm up in weight. I almost hate that thing. It's never reliable, what if I didn't really lose those three pounds? That's the question I keep asking myself. If I didn't really lose it, then this past month has almost been for nothing. Makes me feel like I want to give up, BUT I'm trying not to give in to my pessimistic attitude.
The hubby went shopping again and soon hopefully I'll have a nice, small job that will allow me to buy the foods necessary for my plans. ANYWAY, it has been so long since I've updated and I really needed to say something about what's been on my mind.
So I'm shouting into cyberspace and hopefully someone will hear (I complain enough to my husband, he needs a break!)
So I want to say to all who might read, to all who might feel like giving up when it comes to your size...don't stop trying. It's hard as heck and you will hate the ride...but try to keep focused on the end of this annoying battle. That's the only thing that's keeping me moving.
Night!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Day 22-30 - Tough Times and Good News
WOW!!!
It has been a really long time since I've written. Sorry! I've been so tired and going to bed so late that this became an after thought, however I also noticed the more I forgot the more I slipped back into old habits.
Anyway! I can say I completely fell off the wagon these past nine days. Pizza, French toast, burgers, fries, etc can you say FELL off?! Most of this has stemmed however from the lack of cash flow so all my nice healthy treats I couldn't buy. But if I was broke you ask, how did you get all that fatty goodness back in your diet?!
I'll tell you how, it was FREE! People kept feeding me and I just couldn't turn it down. But as of Sunday I was able to shop a bit and put some of those better options back in my fridge so I'm doing this again.
I will have to keep up with this blogging because I really feel it was helping me and in the time that I haven't written a thing, it was just easier for me to forget that I was supposed to be changing. That's why I'm posting this morning to get all the bad out. We're gonna say bye bye to the burgers once again and we're starting this baby all over.
I can't say this time I feel like a failure. I'm going to keep pushing, ride my bike, and keep it moving cause this girl is on a journey to becoming one hot momma and I'm not letting a hamburger get in my way!
Just need a find a small job to supplement my food habit. Nothing too bad about 15 maybe 20 hours a week. Gotta find it!
Alright peeps! I'm out to eat breakfast and keep this party back on track.
Oh and GREAT NEWS!!!
I am currently 189.8 lbs!
The scale has finally moved!!!
It has been a really long time since I've written. Sorry! I've been so tired and going to bed so late that this became an after thought, however I also noticed the more I forgot the more I slipped back into old habits.
Anyway! I can say I completely fell off the wagon these past nine days. Pizza, French toast, burgers, fries, etc can you say FELL off?! Most of this has stemmed however from the lack of cash flow so all my nice healthy treats I couldn't buy. But if I was broke you ask, how did you get all that fatty goodness back in your diet?!
I'll tell you how, it was FREE! People kept feeding me and I just couldn't turn it down. But as of Sunday I was able to shop a bit and put some of those better options back in my fridge so I'm doing this again.
I will have to keep up with this blogging because I really feel it was helping me and in the time that I haven't written a thing, it was just easier for me to forget that I was supposed to be changing. That's why I'm posting this morning to get all the bad out. We're gonna say bye bye to the burgers once again and we're starting this baby all over.
I can't say this time I feel like a failure. I'm going to keep pushing, ride my bike, and keep it moving cause this girl is on a journey to becoming one hot momma and I'm not letting a hamburger get in my way!
Just need a find a small job to supplement my food habit. Nothing too bad about 15 maybe 20 hours a week. Gotta find it!
Alright peeps! I'm out to eat breakfast and keep this party back on track.
Oh and GREAT NEWS!!!
I am currently 189.8 lbs!
The scale has finally moved!!!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Day 19-21 --- Rough Patch
I am hitting a real low at this point. I have been feeling like I'm swimming against the currant and failing miserably. My husband and I talked about another facet of my personality (which I thought I thoroughly explained to him but I guess I didn't) that is really bad.
I have an absolute horrifying fear of failure. So much so that I won't try even the simplest of things to get me going. I fail often, though these are mostly private failures I don't dare let the public see. Now however I seem to be talking about it on a very public forum. I don't know why I'm revealing this to world but I am. I guess I hope talking about it will help the purging process in my system.
I went to get my bike today. I was really excited and ready just to do it! Then, when I practiced riding the bike (in a skirt and flats which I blame as well), it was like I just couldn't do it. Within the seconds of my failure I wanted out. I was ready to run away and not look back. What's the point in continuing to try if I will just fall flat on my face right? It was a terrible feeling, but I didn't want to deal with it. You fail you move on to what you CAN do (which I felt was nothing but that's another story), but I decided not to listen to myself. After a long time agonizing, and battling with myself about this purchase I hurried up and bought the bike before I could change my mind.
Right now I don't feel very excited about it because again, I feel I'm going to fall flat on my behind in this simplest of endeavors. However, I'm going to try to fight down my fear of failure. Once I practice a little bit more I should be riding that bike smoothly in no time right? That's what I'm trying to tell myself right now.
This fear of failure affects everything I set out to do. This includes this weight loss journey. I was all set today to give it up completely. I thought about it, prayed about it, I ranted to my husband about it...but again I think I'm going to fight my nature and give it a shot. A real shot. If I fail I know I will be devastated so lets hope I keep it moving eh?
Good Night.
I have an absolute horrifying fear of failure. So much so that I won't try even the simplest of things to get me going. I fail often, though these are mostly private failures I don't dare let the public see. Now however I seem to be talking about it on a very public forum. I don't know why I'm revealing this to world but I am. I guess I hope talking about it will help the purging process in my system.
I went to get my bike today. I was really excited and ready just to do it! Then, when I practiced riding the bike (in a skirt and flats which I blame as well), it was like I just couldn't do it. Within the seconds of my failure I wanted out. I was ready to run away and not look back. What's the point in continuing to try if I will just fall flat on my face right? It was a terrible feeling, but I didn't want to deal with it. You fail you move on to what you CAN do (which I felt was nothing but that's another story), but I decided not to listen to myself. After a long time agonizing, and battling with myself about this purchase I hurried up and bought the bike before I could change my mind.
Right now I don't feel very excited about it because again, I feel I'm going to fall flat on my behind in this simplest of endeavors. However, I'm going to try to fight down my fear of failure. Once I practice a little bit more I should be riding that bike smoothly in no time right? That's what I'm trying to tell myself right now.
This fear of failure affects everything I set out to do. This includes this weight loss journey. I was all set today to give it up completely. I thought about it, prayed about it, I ranted to my husband about it...but again I think I'm going to fight my nature and give it a shot. A real shot. If I fail I know I will be devastated so lets hope I keep it moving eh?
Good Night.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Day 17/18 - Cruising
So lately I have really been considering getting a bike. I really like the idea of being able to maybe hit up the dollar store or head to the library without using my car. Neither is really far and if the weather is nice enough (meaning if I get up early enough) I could make it there and back kind of relaxed. I'm not trying to start racing bikes or anything but it would be nice to add that into my week PLUS I'd get to burn a few extra calories while I'm at it.
The second thing the hubby and I have considered is joining the gym. Now I have been on this kick for a while and telling myself "Oh you can just work out at home. Its free." Well, the outcome of that is me having walked only a measly three miles total so far and one Insanity workout. For me I know better. If I get dressed and drive to the gym (or ride my bike if I can save up for one!) I'm going to work out and I'm going to get my money's worth. Another plus is the gym is literally across the highway from me. Not even a five minute drive if I have all green lights.
I have been hopping on the scale recently, I will post the results of that on Sunday. My scale is temperamental and I can't trust it all the time so I weigh myself for a few days seeing if the weight stays around the same area and hope that's the right reading. However there have been times when I stepped on that scale and it would say for instance 169 (HA I wish), then two minutes later I'm 190 (more likely), and then the third time I'm somewhere inbetween. Like I said...my scale is special.
When this week is up and I find my measuring tape I'm going to try to keep track of inches lost as well. I have no idea why I didn't do it before but we're gonna start now. I know what my previous waist measurement was about 6 months ago so we'll see what it has to say on Monday.
Well that's gonna be it for tonight, no video because my hair is looking all kinds of crazy right now and I refuse to get up and change it this late at night. Anyway, smooches, duces, peace out, GOODNIGHT!!!
:)
The second thing the hubby and I have considered is joining the gym. Now I have been on this kick for a while and telling myself "Oh you can just work out at home. Its free." Well, the outcome of that is me having walked only a measly three miles total so far and one Insanity workout. For me I know better. If I get dressed and drive to the gym (or ride my bike if I can save up for one!) I'm going to work out and I'm going to get my money's worth. Another plus is the gym is literally across the highway from me. Not even a five minute drive if I have all green lights.
I have been hopping on the scale recently, I will post the results of that on Sunday. My scale is temperamental and I can't trust it all the time so I weigh myself for a few days seeing if the weight stays around the same area and hope that's the right reading. However there have been times when I stepped on that scale and it would say for instance 169 (HA I wish), then two minutes later I'm 190 (more likely), and then the third time I'm somewhere inbetween. Like I said...my scale is special.
When this week is up and I find my measuring tape I'm going to try to keep track of inches lost as well. I have no idea why I didn't do it before but we're gonna start now. I know what my previous waist measurement was about 6 months ago so we'll see what it has to say on Monday.
Well that's gonna be it for tonight, no video because my hair is looking all kinds of crazy right now and I refuse to get up and change it this late at night. Anyway, smooches, duces, peace out, GOODNIGHT!!!
:)
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Day 16 - Feeling Good!
Hello!!! Today feels like it was a great day for me. Nothing really special happened but I just feel really good right now so I'm happy to keep this vibe going. I was only a tiny bit bad today with my eating. Breakfast never happened and when I went to get food from the grocery store a chocolate bar ended up in my car too. I am happy to report however, that I did NOT eat the whole chocolate bar in one sitting. I had about half and kindly put the rest in the fridge for another day.
Lunch was nicely a bowl of cereal and some yogurt and dinner was an uneventful eggs with spinach and a little sausage and an orange. Now I know its not good to have too many sweets at the end of your day but, oh well it happened!! I capped off the night with a nice one mile walk with my sister that was finished in about 14 minutes. Now that wasn't long, but it's a start. I've done some type of physical activity two days in a row and I'm so proud of myself!
Getting me to work out is like getting me to the sadists *cough* I mean dentist. But I'm really proud of the progress on the inside that I'm making. I don't see many physical results yet, which is part of the goal, but I am seeing a difference in the type of person I am and that's really cool. Never in such a long time have I felt good about myself in such a way, it's very hard to describe. I'm no where near where I want to be physically but seeing my mind slowly change, my food desires slowly change lets me know that I AM getting somewhere. The physical stuff will follow.
Anyway that's me for tonight I'm trying to get to bed and see if I can wake up early to get in another walk. Night!!!
Lunch was nicely a bowl of cereal and some yogurt and dinner was an uneventful eggs with spinach and a little sausage and an orange. Now I know its not good to have too many sweets at the end of your day but, oh well it happened!! I capped off the night with a nice one mile walk with my sister that was finished in about 14 minutes. Now that wasn't long, but it's a start. I've done some type of physical activity two days in a row and I'm so proud of myself!
Getting me to work out is like getting me to the sadists *cough* I mean dentist. But I'm really proud of the progress on the inside that I'm making. I don't see many physical results yet, which is part of the goal, but I am seeing a difference in the type of person I am and that's really cool. Never in such a long time have I felt good about myself in such a way, it's very hard to describe. I'm no where near where I want to be physically but seeing my mind slowly change, my food desires slowly change lets me know that I AM getting somewhere. The physical stuff will follow.
Anyway that's me for tonight I'm trying to get to bed and see if I can wake up early to get in another walk. Night!!!
Monday, June 2, 2014
Day 15 - Getting In to It!!!
I survived another day of my self inflicted torture!!! Lol, no today was good and I'm sure tomorrow will be great too. I'm back on target with my eating. Had some good cereal this morning (which has been keeping me nicely full til snack time), a little cheese and a yogurt for snack, one of my smart ones dinners (no cooking, sorry), and chili for dinner.
I'm working on my water still which I fear will always be an issue BUT that's okay. Being away from home a lot during the day makes it hard to keep up with the water intake as much as I'd like but that is okay at least I'm keeping myself busy.
In the video below you'll hear about my tiny little workout endeavor, but it takes almost an act of God to get me moving when it comes to exercise so this is a big deal for me!
I'm working on my water still which I fear will always be an issue BUT that's okay. Being away from home a lot during the day makes it hard to keep up with the water intake as much as I'd like but that is okay at least I'm keeping myself busy.
In the video below you'll hear about my tiny little workout endeavor, but it takes almost an act of God to get me moving when it comes to exercise so this is a big deal for me!
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Days 12 through 14 - Stupid Internet....
I'm back online! Finally!!! Dear lord I was missing my internet connection. I don't know what it is but with my old Toshiba laptop and now with my desktop there are just times when the computer refuses to connect to the wifi. It will tell me connections are available but just won't do it. After a few restarts it normally picks up but this week has been super annoying with the wifi!!!
BUT I am back and I'm trying to keep it moving. Now I have a terrible memory and can't for the life of me remember all the food I eaten except for last night and today's food choices. I can tell you however that last night and today have been a complete suckfest!!! Food wise anyway. I have not been in the mood for rabbit food or to cook absolutely anything. So...I didn't.
Part of me feels like a real failure over the weekend but you know I can't let it stop me. Trust me I want to stop. I haven't lost weight (not a big surprise since my exercise has been lacking, but still I was hoping for at least two pounds...I don't know why), so I feel discouraged, I hate having to cook so that is becoming more of a nuisance, and I'm just generally sick of it actually.
I'm not really a fan of anything that I am doing. So I'm trying to figure out how to make this less annoying for myself because I can't stand looking down (after I look past my chest), and seeing this stupid tire around my waist. It's killin my vibe and my self esteem. The only thing I really about myself is my hair. So something is going to have a work. I just have to find what it is and keep it moving.
BUT I am back and I'm trying to keep it moving. Now I have a terrible memory and can't for the life of me remember all the food I eaten except for last night and today's food choices. I can tell you however that last night and today have been a complete suckfest!!! Food wise anyway. I have not been in the mood for rabbit food or to cook absolutely anything. So...I didn't.
Part of me feels like a real failure over the weekend but you know I can't let it stop me. Trust me I want to stop. I haven't lost weight (not a big surprise since my exercise has been lacking, but still I was hoping for at least two pounds...I don't know why), so I feel discouraged, I hate having to cook so that is becoming more of a nuisance, and I'm just generally sick of it actually.
I'm not really a fan of anything that I am doing. So I'm trying to figure out how to make this less annoying for myself because I can't stand looking down (after I look past my chest), and seeing this stupid tire around my waist. It's killin my vibe and my self esteem. The only thing I really about myself is my hair. So something is going to have a work. I just have to find what it is and keep it moving.
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