I am hitting a real low at this point. I have been feeling like I'm swimming against the currant and failing miserably. My husband and I talked about another facet of my personality (which I thought I thoroughly explained to him but I guess I didn't) that is really bad.
I have an absolute horrifying fear of failure. So much so that I won't try even the simplest of things to get me going. I fail often, though these are mostly private failures I don't dare let the public see. Now however I seem to be talking about it on a very public forum. I don't know why I'm revealing this to world but I am. I guess I hope talking about it will help the purging process in my system.
I went to get my bike today. I was really excited and ready just to do it! Then, when I practiced riding the bike (in a skirt and flats which I blame as well), it was like I just couldn't do it. Within the seconds of my failure I wanted out. I was ready to run away and not look back. What's the point in continuing to try if I will just fall flat on my face right? It was a terrible feeling, but I didn't want to deal with it. You fail you move on to what you CAN do (which I felt was nothing but that's another story), but I decided not to listen to myself. After a long time agonizing, and battling with myself about this purchase I hurried up and bought the bike before I could change my mind.
Right now I don't feel very excited about it because again, I feel I'm going to fall flat on my behind in this simplest of endeavors. However, I'm going to try to fight down my fear of failure. Once I practice a little bit more I should be riding that bike smoothly in no time right? That's what I'm trying to tell myself right now.
This fear of failure affects everything I set out to do. This includes this weight loss journey. I was all set today to give it up completely. I thought about it, prayed about it, I ranted to my husband about it...but again I think I'm going to fight my nature and give it a shot. A real shot. If I fail I know I will be devastated so lets hope I keep it moving eh?
Good Night.
It's actually okay to fall (or fail). But stay focused on your goals - get back up, no matter how many times you fall. When you first learned to walk, you fell down many times. Did you have more gusto and bravery at 12mo of age than you do now?? Even if the answer is yes, the fact remains, you eventually learned how to walk, how to talk, how to sing, how to be a responsible young woman.... and none of those you got perfectly right on the first attempt.... OR DID U? I'm just saying.....
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