Working out, Kryptonite!!!

     I have not been doing good AT ALL!

I'm almost at a loss but I know what to do I just am having a harder time executing everything. I love riding my bike. I can do now almost ALMOST two full miles without coasting or stopping. I do take one tiny break in the middle, but that's also when I have to stop to make sure there are no cars coming up the street so I can cross the street. Other than that I don't coast, I peddle the whole way through. Burning in my thighs I tell you!

I did almost two miles last night with my hubby so that was nice. He JUST got his bike and we're really excited to try that as a couples mini work out thing. It might have me doing four miles a day if I ride once by myself and once with him.

Anyway, I've been in a depressed slump and trying my hardest not to start up old habits. I will say I have drank more soda these past two weeks than I have in months. Still though I've had maybe 7 in 14 days.

My eating is still difficult because of lack of funds to buy what I REALLY want but I have managed, except a few times, to eat pretty okay food.

However I seriously need to exercise more. I need a buddy though. I need a non judgmental buddy who won't lose their patience with me as I work out. Just because I'm not doing it like them, or pushing like them (especially when my chest pain kicks in), or they feel I'm stopping too soon so I can you know breathe...I just want someone to work out with, share tips with, and call when I feel like binge eating.

I mean I do have a friend like this but she lives three hours away and it's just not the same. So I need another buddy a bit closer to home.

Anyway I'm going to keep trying, tired of failing all the dog on time!

My Mind

I. Can't. Do. It.

Those four words circle my mind a lot and are usually successful in poisoning any idea or motivation that hits me.

I. Can't. Do. It.

I hear it all the time, those words wrap around and choke me until I surrender. Those four little words over power me often. They have managed to kill any desire inside me. It gets so bad that I try to stomp out any good thought before it can be taken away from me by those four little words.

Those words are ever present in my mind every time I try. Each time I push away that extra helping, each time I give in to that piece of cake. Lately it's been winning and I'm trying to fight it, but I just end up coping with self doubt the only way I know how. Eat.

What is different however is even though I screw up with this eating and intense lack of exercise. I try again. That's something that is completely out of the norm and I'm proud of myself for it. However, I'm not getting anywhere. One step forward, twenty steps back. Discouraging thoughts always seem to plague my mind and...

Those four little words are whispering in the back of my mind even now I as write this. Who will win today I wonder? Hopefully I Can.

Stil Counting the Days

    I feel and know that I have been so lax these past couple of days. This life style change of mind seems to be on a longer hold than I'd like. My hubby is now on board with his own quest to lose the weight he wants and shape his body into something else he'd like to. Now to me my hubby always looks great. In my eyes he could almost never look wrong but he's not happy so he's going to change it. I can't WAIT until he succeeds. He'll be happy and I'll be happy for him. It's exciting because with his body you can see the changes he's going through almost instantly it seems.

     Not so much the case for myself. I am still decidedly unhappy with my appearance. My goal was 10lbs by July 4th for this big convention we're having BUT I've only managed the 3 lbs and now my scale is once again telling me I'm up in weight. I almost hate that thing. It's never reliable, what if I didn't really lose those three pounds? That's the question I keep asking myself. If I didn't really lose it, then this past month has almost been for nothing. Makes me feel like I want to give up, BUT I'm trying not to give in to my pessimistic attitude.

     The hubby went shopping again and soon hopefully I'll have a nice, small job that will allow me to buy the foods necessary for my plans. ANYWAY, it has been so long since I've updated and I really needed to say something about what's been on my mind.

     So I'm shouting into cyberspace and hopefully someone will hear (I complain enough to my husband, he needs a break!)

     So I want to say to all who might read, to all who might feel like giving up when it comes to your size...don't stop trying. It's hard as heck and you will hate the ride...but try to keep focused on the end of this annoying battle. That's the only thing that's keeping me moving.

Night!

Day 22-30 - Tough Times and Good News

WOW!!!

It has been a really long time since I've written. Sorry! I've been so tired and going to bed so late that this became an after thought, however I also noticed the more I forgot the more I slipped back into old habits.

Anyway! I can say I completely fell off the wagon these past nine days. Pizza, French toast, burgers, fries, etc  can you say FELL off?! Most of this has stemmed however from the lack of cash flow so all my nice healthy treats I couldn't buy. But if I was broke you ask, how did you get all that fatty goodness back in your diet?!

I'll tell you how, it was FREE! People kept feeding me and I just couldn't turn it down. But as of Sunday I was able to shop a bit and put some of those better options back in my fridge so I'm doing this again.

I will have to keep up with this blogging because I really feel it was helping me and in the time that I haven't written a thing, it was just easier for me to forget that I was supposed to be changing. That's why I'm posting this morning to get all the bad out. We're gonna say bye bye to the burgers once again and we're starting this baby all over.

I can't say this time I feel like a failure. I'm going to keep pushing, ride my bike, and keep it moving cause this girl is on a journey to becoming one hot momma and I'm not letting a hamburger get in my way!

Just need a find a small job to supplement my food habit. Nothing too bad about 15 maybe 20 hours a week. Gotta find it!

Alright peeps! I'm out to eat breakfast and keep this party back on track.

Oh and GREAT NEWS!!!

I am currently 189.8 lbs!

The scale has finally moved!!!

Day 19-21 --- Rough Patch

     I am hitting a real low at this point. I have been feeling like I'm swimming against the currant and failing miserably. My husband and I talked about another facet of my personality (which I thought I thoroughly explained to him but I guess I didn't) that is really bad.

    I have an absolute horrifying fear of failure. So much so that I won't try even the simplest of things to get me going. I fail often, though these are mostly private failures I don't dare let the public see. Now however I seem to be talking about it on a very public forum. I don't know why I'm revealing this to world but I am. I guess I hope talking about it will help the purging process in my system.

     I went to get my bike today. I was really excited and ready just to do it! Then, when I practiced riding the bike (in a skirt and flats which I blame as well), it was like I just couldn't do it. Within the seconds of my failure I wanted out. I was ready to run away and not look back. What's the point in continuing to try if I will just fall flat on my face right? It was a terrible feeling, but I didn't want to deal with it. You fail you move on to what you CAN do (which I felt was nothing but that's another story), but I decided not to listen to myself. After a long time agonizing, and battling with myself about this purchase I hurried up and bought the bike before I could change my mind.

    Right now I don't feel very excited about it because again, I feel I'm going to fall flat on my behind in this simplest of endeavors. However, I'm going to try to fight down my fear of failure. Once I practice a little bit more I should be riding that bike smoothly in no time right? That's what I'm trying to tell myself right now.

    This fear of failure affects everything I set out to do. This includes this weight loss journey. I was all set today to give it up completely. I thought about it, prayed about it, I ranted to my husband about it...but again I think I'm going to fight my nature and give it a shot. A real shot. If I fail I know I will be devastated so lets hope I keep it moving eh?

Good Night.

Day 17/18 - Cruising

    So lately I have really been considering getting a bike. I really like the idea of being able to maybe hit up the dollar store or head to the library without using my car. Neither is really far and if the weather is nice enough (meaning if I get up early enough) I could make it there and back kind of relaxed. I'm not trying to start racing bikes or anything but it would be nice to add that into my week PLUS I'd get to burn a few extra calories while I'm at it.
   
    The second thing the hubby and I have considered is joining the gym. Now I have been on this kick for a while and telling myself "Oh you can just work out at home. Its free." Well, the outcome of that is me having walked only a measly three miles total so far and one Insanity workout. For me I know better. If I get dressed and drive to the gym (or ride my bike if I can save up for one!) I'm going to work out and I'm going to get my money's worth. Another plus is the gym is literally across the highway from me. Not even a five minute drive if I have all green lights.

     I have been hopping on the scale recently, I will post the results of that on Sunday. My scale is temperamental and I can't trust it all the time so I weigh myself for a few days seeing if the weight stays around the same area and hope that's the right reading. However there have been times when I stepped on that scale and it would say for instance 169 (HA I wish), then two minutes later I'm 190 (more likely), and then the third time I'm somewhere inbetween. Like I said...my scale is special.

    When this week is up and I find my measuring tape I'm going to try to keep track of inches lost as well. I have no idea why I didn't do it before but we're gonna start now. I know what my previous waist measurement was about 6 months ago so we'll see what it has to say on Monday.

Well that's gonna be it for tonight, no video because my hair is looking all kinds of crazy right now and I refuse to get up and change it this late at night. Anyway, smooches, duces, peace out, GOODNIGHT!!!

:)

Day 16 - Feeling Good!

     Hello!!! Today feels like it was a great day for me. Nothing really special happened but I just feel really good right now so I'm happy to keep this vibe going. I was only a tiny bit bad today with my eating. Breakfast never happened and when I went to get food from the grocery store a chocolate bar ended up in my car too. I am happy to report however, that I did NOT eat the whole chocolate bar in one sitting. I had about half and kindly put the rest in the fridge for another day.

    Lunch was nicely a bowl of cereal and some yogurt and dinner was an uneventful eggs with spinach and a little sausage and an orange. Now I know its not good to have too many sweets at the end of your day but, oh well it happened!! I capped off the night with a nice one mile walk with my sister that was finished in about 14 minutes. Now that wasn't long, but it's a start. I've done some type of physical activity two days in a row and I'm so proud of myself!

    Getting me to work out is like getting me to the sadists *cough* I mean dentist. But I'm really proud of the progress on the inside that I'm making. I don't see many physical results yet, which is part of the goal, but I am seeing a difference in the type of person I am and that's really cool. Never in such a long time have I felt good about myself in such a way, it's very hard to describe. I'm no where near where I want to be physically but seeing my mind slowly change, my food desires slowly change lets me know that I AM getting somewhere. The physical stuff will follow.

    Anyway that's me for tonight I'm trying to get to bed and see if I can wake up early to get in another walk. Night!!!

Day 15 - Getting In to It!!!

     I survived another day of my self inflicted torture!!! Lol, no today was good and I'm sure tomorrow will be great too. I'm back on target with my eating. Had some good cereal this morning (which has been keeping me nicely full til snack time), a little cheese and a yogurt for snack, one of my smart ones dinners (no cooking, sorry), and chili for dinner.

     I'm working on my water still which I fear will always be an issue BUT that's okay. Being away from home a lot during the day makes it hard to keep up with the water intake as much as I'd like but that is okay at least I'm keeping myself busy.

    In the video below you'll hear about my tiny little workout endeavor, but it takes almost an act of God to get me moving when it comes to exercise so this is a big deal for me!

Days 12 through 14 - Stupid Internet....

     I'm back online! Finally!!! Dear lord I was missing my internet connection. I don't know what it is but with my old Toshiba laptop and now with my desktop there are just times when the computer refuses to connect to the wifi. It will tell me connections are available but just won't do it. After a few restarts it normally picks up but this week has been super annoying with the wifi!!!

     BUT I  am back and I'm trying to keep it moving. Now I have a terrible memory and can't for the life of me remember all the food I eaten except for last night and today's food choices. I can tell you however that last night and today have been a complete suckfest!!! Food wise anyway. I have not been in the mood for rabbit food or to cook absolutely anything. So...I didn't.

     Part of me feels like a real failure over the weekend but you know I can't let it stop me. Trust me I want to stop. I haven't lost weight (not a big surprise since my exercise has been lacking, but still I was hoping for at least two pounds...I don't know why), so I feel discouraged, I hate having to cook so that is becoming more of a nuisance, and I'm just generally sick of it actually.

     I'm not really a fan of anything that I am doing. So I'm trying to figure out how to make this less annoying for myself because I can't stand looking down (after I look past my chest), and seeing this stupid tire around my waist. It's killin my vibe and my self esteem. The only thing I really about myself is my hair. So something is going to have a work. I just have to find what it is and keep it moving.

Day 11 - Better Day!!!

    Okay so I haven't completely given up on myself yet. With some gentle prodding from my bestie I did my first little bit of exercise today. Went on a mile walk with the puppies. It was great, didn't hurt, and I felt good afterwards. Gonna try to get up tomorrow and do it again.

     My eating wasn't the greatest but it wasn't bad. I'm running out of food to cook so that's leaving me with the tad bit unhealthier options at home. My snacks are completely out so I'm getting hungrier which I'm really not a fan of.

     This week has started off with me in more of a mental block though. I'm really struggling with my drive to do more. I can honestly say health wise I'm a very lazy individual and trying to stay full steam ahead has almost tapped me out. I will keep trying however. I have to meet with success. I can't stand this spare tire around my middle. I want to finally look and feel good about myself for like the first time...ever.

     Work. Work. Work.

     Nothing worth fighting for is easy. The roads are filled with pitfalls along this journey, and I think I'm finally coming out of the one I was in ready to race until I hit the next one. Maybe when that comes, I'll jump over it instead of falling face first.

Day 10 - Failing again...

     I knew this would happen, I've fallen into a slump. I know its ridiculous on how soon it is but I have. I haven't yet started to work out, my eating is better than my usual but not full of veggies as I need it to be. I'm just having a hard time right now with it.
 
     So I'm going to be trying something new my friend Brandi suggested. Picking one or two days a week to cook in bulk so I'm not cooking every dog on day AND I have no excuses to try and eat poorly because I already have something healthy at my finger tips.

     Now this will take me a little bit to implement because I'm starting to run low on my fresh veggies, I'm going to have to get some frozen ones and fresh ones from now on. What I really need to do is learn how to shop smart. This whole lifestyle things is harder than anticipated BUT I really hope its well worth it. Right now I'm just seeing all the things I can't do/enjoy...lets hope that outlook changes.

     Any help, love, recipes, ideas, ANYTHING would be appreciated. I know someone out there glances at my pitiful musing. Right?

Day 9 - Not Quite on Track But Tomorrow is Another Day

     So I'm still not doing the best. I skipped breakfast again today but...I wasn't having the best of days I do have to admit. I spent most of it in my pjs, in bed. I was up at 8 and didn't even leave my room until the pangs of hunger forced me to around 11 am. Then I didn't come out of my hole until I left to pick up my cousin from school. It was really one of those days for me. Harder than most and I'm still feeling really blah. That same motivation I was feeling last week is starting to waver I believe and I'm trying to reach back for it.

Must. Not. Be. FAT!

     After skipping my breakfast I had some vegetarian chili that I added some brown sugar to, then around 5 I had some ribs again (left overs from yesterday), and for dinner I had a bowl of Fiber One Cereal.

     So it wasn't the BEST day, there weren't enough veggies today but we'll try again tomorrow. Hopefully I manage to peel myself out of bed and actually be productive.

     I still didn't drink as much water as I needed to, nor did I attempt to exercise. Pushing my daily failings up to three today.

1. Not enough water
2. Not even green veggies
3. No work out

     I call these failings because I set up specific goals for myself and I'm not reaching them. This is a problem. Lets see what tomorrow will bring, hopefully some good news.

Good night!

Day 8 - Not a Success...

So I failed in three respects today but one of then was out of my hands. Goals for the day were

1. Drink 12-14 glasses of water
     Yeah....so that didn't happen. I did consume 48 oz of water and would have done at least another 24 oz but my handy dandy mug o' water dropped and I wasn't going to fill it back up again...I know that's lazy.

2. Go walking at least a mile
     This was not my fault. It was raining cats and dogs outside!  I refuse to feel guilt!

3. Continue eating well
     This was too hard today. Plus there was BBQ. So I ended up eating two pieces of chicken, about seven ribs (They were small though!!!), and some beans (which had brown sugar in them).

I was a little disappointed about my self control however I'm not going to let this be the excuse I always let it be. I'm going to keep on moving along. If I give up again...who knows how far I would let myself go before I try again.

I can say this blog does help me be more honest with myselfn I kind of like that.

Anyway no video tonight, my hubby has taken over my computer area for his bible studying. Have a great night!!!

Day 7 - A Mostly Sucessful Weekend, Week 2 coming up!

   Alright, alright, alright!!!

We have made it through seven days. Today wasn't the best of days. I did not eat three meals. In fact today I had one decent breakfast and for the rest of the day I had nuts, some fruit, and some more of that semi vegan chickpea peanut butter and chocolate chip bars (they taste better than they sound).  Tomorrow I completely plan on getting back on track so I can have my good three meals.

Another thing I plan to do tomorrow has to do with tonight's topic. WATER!!!

The Benefits of this Liquid Gold:

1. Better Complexion

2. Flushes out the system

3. Makes you just feel good

4.  Can generate energy

5. Increase metabolism

6.  Helps regulate digestive system

AND the list continues on and on...listen below to me ramble about W-A-T-E-R!!!

Day 6 - Almost a Week

There will be no video tonight sorry guys. This is my first weekend trying to maintain my healthy eating.

Weekends used to be my weakness I would crack under the pressure. However this time it was different.  I had a small cut about 4 oz of flank steak and sauteed zucchini and summer squash on the side. Breakfast was fruit and dinner was a small amount of sushi.

Water continues to be a major problem with me. I'm not drinking anything else but Im not really drinking water either. So starting on Monday I'm starting yet another personal challenge,  however we will hear more about water, benefits, how much you should drink, etc on Sunday. For now its good night!!!

Day 5 - Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming

   I'm having a hard time trying to keep my food from being boring. It seems I'm stuck with chicken, turkey meat, lean ground beef, and flank steak. Now I know that seems like a lit but I just don't know what to do with it! It is driving me insane!!!

 
   I look up recipes that seem like I have to climb Mt. Everest to make them. So I end up cooking things the same. Ugh...so then I've been trying to find different ways to flavor foods but EVERYTHING I desire includes foods I'm currently avoiding. 

 

   So while I'm dealing with that I'm also trying to make sure I can eat these things on about $15-25 dollars a week. YIKES! That's just the food for me. My poor hubby I haven't cooked for him much, but in my defense he started to juice for a bit so that relieved me of cooking duties.

I have to use most of my "spending" money on food but that's ok. As long as I have something to show for it.

 

   Oh! And a little help for you guys if you try to comment. Go ahead and type it up in the comment section. Make sure you choose the correct profile in the box that is directly under the comment box. THEN you can click Publish and that should solve you mobile users problems.

 

 

Day 4 - A Mini Revelation

I'm feeling good. I noticed this last night and all day today.

I've been thinking and looking back on how I used to eat. You know the typical McDonalds, Frozen Pizza, Ice Cream, A whole batch of cookies, bread and butter, etc and I remember how everyday it never failed I was always tired during the day. It's like I could NOT shake this tired feeling, and I had frequent headaches. I thought it was allergies but I learned that it wasn't.

With changing gears cold turkey, you know sticking to mostly poultry, fish, and lots of veggies and fruits I have noticed a difference. Normally every day around 1 pm I'm ready to sleep. It hasn't failed literally every day at that time. Yesterday however I looked at the clock and it showed plain as day 2 pm. I kinda shrugged it off but then it happened again today. I was wide awake and had more energy than I normally do.

I feel good, and unless I'm really late with a snack I'm hardly ever hungry. I'm not eating jumbo sized portions anymore and I'm not hungry! I know this makes sense but it boggles my mind as I sit here to think about it.

Today I had lunch with a lovely friend who supplied a healthy portion of salmon with broccoli and a little bit of cheese. Now because I was bad today and didn't get up on time this was my first meal of the day around noon. Dinner was left over chicken from yesterdays fabulous recipe and I have to say...it even better if the chicken is allowed to marinate in the juices over night.  Snacks today included an apple and a mango. Speaking of mango's I absolutely hate their seeds. Why on earth do they have such large seeds?! I have yet to master the art of Mango Cutting but it will happen..

So there is no video tonight, I'm too tired and my room looks like a disaster area. So with that I say good night. On to Day 5

Day 3 - Hitting Frustration

  Hello again lovely Internet world! I'm back with the third day of this lifestyle change and can I say this is usually the day that I cave and eat something that sends me spiraling back out of control...which in turn leads to me becoming a whale. Not cute.

  Anyway! On this third day things were going pretty great. I had 2 eggs, tomato, and spinach for breakfast with half a banana. Lunch was another turkey burger. I hate refreezing meat so I just made two small patties ate one for dinner last night and that was lunch today. Dinner was a delicious recipe from Erika Nicole Kendall at her WONDERFUL blog A black girls guide to weight loss. I believe that everyone should go and see her great story and awesome tips! I'm even starting her Clean Eating Boot Camp this month so we'll see how that goes.

Now it's late in the evening about 11:03 and I'm ready to eat again. Its been about five hours since I last ate so I can kinda see why my body wants more fuel. So tonight I chose to snack on a banana but that is NOT what I want (think cookies, brownies, cake, or ice cream...all of which are in the house).

I'm already missing my nice bread (thanks mom -_- ) and pasta dishes. I had to drop off a friend at Pizza Hut, my grandfather was going to treat me to fried catfish today, I made my little cousin one of those frozen pizzas and just...UGH!!!

I am now on a quest tomorrow to research and find a lot of healthy snacks that I can just much on because I can't do this. Snacks and water. So far however I'm sticking to my guns...I hope.

Next up adding exercise to my life. Another sore spot...

Day 2 - Still Rolling

   I honestly don't know if I'm going to update daily like this, so far I like it because I can get all my thoughts out before I forget them say, next week you know?

   Anyway, today was a good day nothing much to report other than my trip to What-A-Burger. Now I know what you're thinking (if someone is actually reading this), but I didn't buy not one thing for myself. YAY!!!! Such a big accomplishment. I was given money to get myself and two other people meals. I stuck to my guns though and just munched on my red pear.

   Now, I will say that though I'm proud of myself for that little show of will power I was also very, and I mean VERY tempted. I knew I had an improper relationship with food but I never thought it was that bad. I mean I've always known this relationship with food has been a very mental thing but, I also never really sat back and thought about it. So I have decided to take back control of our relationship. I even wrote it a little letter. It goes a little something like this:

Dear Food,

   I'm sorry, yet not sorry to say you and I...we're through. I'm tired of being a slave to your every beck and call, and I'm tired of the baggage you saddle me with. I've loved you for so long, you've been my only comforter.

   I know we've been through much from Daddy issues, to Boys, to Religion, to Death, but you know what I've noticed? You've got a hold on me so strong, you keep me in the loop. When I'm sad I eat. I grow in size then I get sad. Then...I eat. I have to let go, for my life's sake. I have to step up and take control because if I let you continue dragging me down this hole I won't make it.

   So I'm taking back control I'm stopping this song and dance that you've been leading. I make the choices. Darling food, we're through.

Love,

Rochelle

Day 1 - On Track

Okay so this first day was a breeze, at least for what I had set up for myself. For once I actually got up a little earlier and cooked myself a little breakfast.

I really hate having to get up in the mornings even though like clock work I'm up no later than 8 am. My bed and I have a special relationship BUT...we're going to have to break up for a while.

Anyway! Before I deviate too far back to my breakfast. No pictures today because I thought about it after I had already eaten way more than half. So it went as follows:

Breakfast

2 Eggs
1 Handful of Spinach
1 Cup Strawberries

Snack

1/4 Cup Granola ( and I only ended up eating half of that amount...I'm not mathematical so I refuse to figure out exactly how much that is)

Apple Slices

Lunch

Sushi (I completely forgot what kind...I know I know bad Rochelle!)

Snack

The rest of my left over granola
Carrots

Dinner

Mixed green salad with a very small amount of chicken, literally a pinch of bacon and cheese, and 1/2 tablespoon of ranch



OK!

So I know this wasn't the BEST I could have done food wise, but when you're on a budget and this is what you have a home...this is much better than what I normally would have done.

Starting My Engine

Hello!

My first blog this is exciting. It's really late tonight so there won't be much for me to say right now. I did make a nice little get to know me type video, I hope it loads.

I'll sum some of it up for you though.

My name is Rochelle.
I weigh 198lbs
my goal is 165 (hopefully 155 one day)

And....I have a feeling this is going to be harder than I'd like.

I am only 24 years old and have been married for four years. My hubby is the best in the world! Love him to pieces. I have one dog who continues to become more and more spoiled by the day (thank you grandpa).

Hmmm, lets see...watch the video I think you'll get more of my personality from it.

Goodnight!